I don't feel well! I'm not cheerful! I don't want to smile! In fact, I want to cry! I want to scream! I want to curl up into a ball and hide/sleep for a week, a month, a year!
Life is overwhelming right now and I'm tired of pretending that it's not. I'm tired of carrying everyone else all of the time. I'm sick of holding back tears and convincing everyone including myself that things are great. When will it be my turn to be carried for a bit?
As I write all of this, I feel so guilty. I feel bad for wanting to ask for help. The thoughts going through my mind sound something like:
"How can I add my burdens and stresses to the already full plates of my friends and family?"
"These things are my responsibility to deal with and I shouldn't expect anyone to have to take them on."
"I created this situation with T and I've already done enough harm by bringing him into our lives."
"It's my job, including the retreat and the fundraiser, and nobody else has to figure out how to make it run smoothly."
"These are bills that I've accumulated and it's my responsibility to find a way to pay them."
"These are my migraines and I know that there is nothing that others can do to make them go away, so I need to stop complaining about them. And while I'm at it, I need to understand that nobody is going to pay for the ridiculously expensive medication to alleviate them, so shut up and buy them, or don't, but stop talking about it."
Just imagine walking around with that in your head all day, believe me, it's not fun. And then I feel like a bad Christian because I should be mature enough in my faith to stand against all of this and look past the natural, but I really don't feel strong enough these days.
-Mel
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