April 24

I just lay down, pull the covers over my head and let silent tears flow. What a way to celebrate my healing. I feel like a hypocrite sometimes. I have the faith to receive healing when others pray but I won't take authority over my own feelings. How could I be high on Jesus at 8:30 last night and feel so damn low 15 hours later?

I felt like a terrible daughter when I ruined my mom's morning by crying the whole time she visit with me in the hospital. Why do I always have to be such a dramatic cause for worry? And now I'm waiting for the sucky wife of the year award since I can barely give my husband any affection. I'm scared to speak because I know it'll lead to petty and unnecessary bickering.

I'm tired of feeling this way and I know I need help but I feel like I have to carry everyone else right now and just don't know when there will be a moment for me. Even my free moments are dedicated to making lists and researching parenting stuff. And God knows there won't be much free time AFTER I give birth!

How do people live? Like really live? Some people just seem to have it all figured out and know how to keep it all together. What's the big secret? I want in!
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