Six Word Saturday

"When will I get a break?"

I love my son and husband dearly, but sometimes I wish That Dude would just take ChocolateChip off of my hands for a bit so that I could get things done with BOTH hands and a bit more focus. I don't want to go out and party, I just need a free moment (other than at 2am) to work on stuff from two of the three jobs that I currently hold (is that too much to ask for?) Le Sigh...

Married Conversation

That Dude: "Can BFF come over tonight?"

Me: "And if I say no are you going to tell him to go home?"

TD: SILENCE

Me: "He can come over."

TD (away from phone): "She said you can stay!"

Posted by Mel via Blogaway

Happy Aniversary to Mr. Mel!

Dear That Dude,

One year ago we took the biggest (conscious) leap of our lives. This year hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies, but I wouldn't trade any of our experiences for anything in the world. 




I'm sorry that I didn't live up to my promise of you having your Camaro by the end of our first year, but (I think) what I DID give you is much better!

You are more than deserving of my respect and you have shown me that over and over in both the awesome and the difficult moments.

Thank you for helping me to learn more about you as a person, the meaning of true love, and so much about myself (and thank you for your patience along the way!)

I look forward to the many happy years ahead of us.

I love you F+1.

-Mel

P.S. - We made it through the first year! Where are all of the haters and naysayers now?!

Jul 12 12:55am

I love him like I've never loved anyone before. I could spend three lifetimes with him and it wouldn't be long enough. I pray that he knows that and feels the same way.

I feel like I'm finally beginning to understand him better. I feel like we're finally connecting on a deeper level. I want that to continue. I wish I could get into is head sometimes though.


Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

3:30am

Laying here in bed. So in love. So full of doubt and worry. All of the "what if's" running through my head like a freight train at full speed. Wish I could say that "only time will tell" but the reality is that if you're good at being bad then time won't reveal much and if you're good at being good I don't want to keep wasting time with unnecessary jealousy. Why can't I just confront you? Why don't I have the guts to ask you about it?

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Sometimes...

...It is hard to trust...
...I just want to give up...
...You say and do little things that hurt but I don't say anything...
...You do little things that I notice but don't mention for the sake of not sounding paranoid or being the crazy jealous wife...


Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

3:20am

Thoughts racing through my mind
Amazingly I trust
More annoyed than scared
Why aren't we on the same wavelength?

Is it age that makes us so different?
Is it male vs female?
Why is it so easy for him
And so hard for me to understand?

Listening to breathing in the dark
Praying that the next few months will bring a conversion
Knowing that it will take more than simply time
Worrying that I'll be too hard - or worse, too soft

Oh baby, how I worry about your daddy
I worry about how we're connecting
Am I doing something wrong?
Or are my expectations simply skewed?

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Just BECAUSE...

I screwed up dinner BECAUSE I wasn't paying attention BECAUSE I was angry and hurt BECAUSE That Dude asked if I'd mind if he went to the pool hall with his friends after dinner...

I felt hurt and angry BECAUSE I was trying to surprise him with a dinner that I KNEW he'd love BECAUSE I love him and want to see him happy and I felt unloved BECAUSE I felt like he didn't want to spend time with me.

And he ate it and said it was great but I know he was lying BECAUSE I was eating the same thing and it pretty much sucked.

Sigh...

Happy Thanksgiving!

That Dude's family doesn't do anything big for the holidays (which works to my advantage) so this Thanksgiving That Dude and I are celebrating with the Best Man and his family and in a bit we'll head to my grandparents' house to see my family.

Gotta head back to the festivities, but I wish all of you and yours a very blessed Thanksgiving!

Surprises

That Dude is planning a bunch of little surprises for our wedding for me. How do I know? He's not very discrete. But it's cute, so I'll play along and try not to ask too many questions.

My problem though is that I'm sad that I feel like my hands are tied and I can't do the same for him. You see, most of my money for the next few weeks is set aside for the wedding and my bills and I can't afford little gifts for him and I'm so saddened by that fact. I wish I was more creative and could think of something that I could do for him that wouldn't put me into debt, but I'm so overwhelmed with the to-do list that I can't even begin to think of sweet things like that.

This whole gift/surprise thing has driven me into crying fits a few times over the last few days and I just don't know how to deal anymore.

Seek First His Kingdom...

Recent conversation between That Dude and me:

TD: “How was work today?”
Me: “It was WORK.”
...Silence while That Dude is in serious thought...
TD: “You know something, that is exactly my problem with your job. I can get over the late and weekend meetings, I can get past how far it is but I will never be able to get past the fact that every time I ask you about work you respond, ‘It was work.’ It shouldn't be that way Mel.”
Me: “But it’s not EVERYday. There are some days when I come home after having had a GREAT day at work!”
TD: “I know, and I treasure those days.”
Me: (Frustrated) “Well, I’m sorry honey, I NEED this job right now. Our wedding is just a few weeks away and I’d like for us to have food to eat and I don’t want to have to live in a shelter!”
TD: (Exhausted) “I know...”

Let me begin by saying that I don’t hate my job. I love that we get to help people who are in serious need. I love my co-workers. I have a swively leather chair and business cards and voicemail and Internet. My job involves a ministry component, so I can spend time reading the bible or about church history at my desk and nobody would think it odd. I’ve sat and spoken with politicians and Directors of great non-profit organizations and I’ve added significantly to both my network and my résumé in just 3 years. But even with all of that, I look forward to the weekend (and dread Monday mornings) more often than I’d like to admit. I come home feeling exhausted but unaccomplished many nights. And while I make more than I have any right to complain about (and more than the median household income of the community that I work in!) I sometimes feel like the money isn’t worth my stress levels, you know?

And as I was putting together a blog post about God being in control, I was reminded of a verse in the Gospel according to Matthew that says that we shouldn't worry because God sees what we need and as long as we are doing the work of His Kingdom, He will continue to provide for us. (Matthew 6:31-34)

I’m not planning to quit my job, but this was a great mental nudge. I don’t NEED this job. If I lost this job tomorrow, I’m lucky enough (in huge part because of my experience AT this job) to know what resources are available to us. If I lost this job tomorrow, I have the contacts and experience, and most importantly a Daddy God to help me get something new even in a time of nationwide recession!

What does all of this mean for me? It means that it’s time to get on the ball. This is where I am at the moment, not because I NEED to be but because it’s where God placed me 3 years ago and where I’ve chosen to stay for the time being. For as long as I’m here I need to excel at what I’m doing (“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.” Colossians 3:23)but I also need to be open to the Lord’s movements and only stay here as long as He says I should. Then, when the time comes I need to be prepared to trust Him to guide me in whatever comes next.

Meeting More Family

This weekend I had the opportunity to meet That Dude's paternal aunt and a few of his cousins. As usual, I worried myself way too much for absolutely no reason at all!

It was also a great opportunity for me to see him interacting with more kids and a great reminder that he really does love children and will be a great father someday!

Believing in the Dream...

That Dude is working with a friend on a new creative career path (for the friend not for That Dude). At first I kind of wrote it off as 'boys playing imagination games' then I was annoyed at the amount of time that he's been spending with his friend and then this morning... I was dreaming up ideas for them! What a turnaround! Feels like a serious case of "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!"

So this post is dedicated to That Dude and "Famous180"! I see that you're more dedicated to this than I gave you guys credit for. I really do believe in and support your dream!

Titus 2 Tuesday

What have learned from another woman this week? (or ever) Write your own "Titus 2 Post" (linking back to ateachableheart somewhere within the body of your post) and also enter your link in the Mr. Linky below the Titus 2 post at ateachableheart!

This week I'm proud to say that I spent time under my grandmother's wing and I(as usual) I learned something!

I wanted to make dinner for That Dude but when he asked for Rice and Beans with Chicken cutlets, I was worried! It may sound like a simple enough meal, but growing up in a Latino household, this is a standard meal, meaning that I knew he'd eaten it a hundred million times done "correctly" and would easily notice if I screwed it up. There's an ongoing joke about my (lack of) cooking skills and having NEVER made Puerto Rican style beans before, I was worried that I'd prove everyone right, so I called my grandmother who lives fairly nearby, and asked if I could come by for guidance. She laughed and told me she'd be waiting.

While we cooked together, my grandmother told me a few (quite funny) stories about her adventures in cooking during the early years of her marriage to my grandfather (over fifty years ago!). It was especially side splitting to hear stories about my grandfather (who LOVES to cook - evidenced by his affinity for the Food Network, his collection of various cooking tools, and the many cookbooks that he owns) eating my grandmother's meals as she said "...con sus ojos cerrado" (with his eyes closed) but being so in love that he just didn't know how to tell her!

We chatted about her health and about my uncle who is about to buy a new house, we discussed the pros and cons of taking a family vacation to Puerto Rico, and then, all of a sudden, it was done! I packed up the food and ran out the door.

I learned how to make my grandmother's beans (SCORE!) but I also learned a bit more about the honeymoon period of marriage and above all, I learned more about my family's matriarch and THAT truly was the best feeling of all!

7 Quick Takes

Life has been an absolute whirlwind of activity lately and it's sometimes hard to keep up with writing, but since a faraway friend asked for an update, I knew I had to oblige! **I wrote this out and forgot to post it on Friday, sorry!

1. The concert is over and we took a financial loss. I still don't know what that will mean for my job, but I'm totally relaxed about it.

2. We've started the wedding planning process again. Checked out a photographer, DJ, and a bridal show at a Catering Hall, so far. The wedding party is pretty much set, except for a flower girl and ring bearer, although I'm pretty sure I'll be asking to have my cousin's daughter or my boss's daughter as our flower girl.

3. That Dude bought me a Blackberry and added me to his phone account, and despite my former aversion to all things Blackberry, I must admit, I actually don't hate it! It's WAY better than the Samsung Instinct from Sprint (IMHO) so I'm happy as a clam!

4. I have officially taken on the position of Kids' Church Coordinator for the non-denominational church that I belong to. I've also agreed to coordinate the Youth Group at the Catholic Parish that That Dude and I will be getting married at. With work and the possibility of school this semester, I've pretty much got every minute of the day taken up! But I love it, so I'm not stressing.

5. Many people have only heard about my oldest younger (step) brother in passing, but don't know much about him. First, although we aren't biologically related, he has always been and will always be my brother in my heart. With that said, I've been pretty actively searching for him for a few weeks now, and finally have some good news! He's not laying dead in some California ditch but is in fact taking the necessary steps to improve his life and I'm so proud of him. I hope to someday share his story, not today.

Also, my search has brought me two wonderful new friends that (based on my limited experience so far as well as the fact that my brother very obviously loves them both) I can't wait to repay them for all that they've done.

6. Each day That Dude manages to say or do something that makes me fall more in love with him. There had been some tension because of my stress levels, but as the fund raiser becomes nothing more than a memory, we've worked our way back into a (semi) normal relationship - well, at least normal for us!

7. The Lord is revealing different facets of His glory and mercy to me everyday. It seems though, that each time I have a glorious moment with the Lord, I get a spiritual attack that I always feel is "the worst it could ever possibly get.". I'm spending a lot of time in prayer and praising the Lord. I know that I cannot let these attacks get the best of me.

Thanks for reading!!

"...for a wedding that I don't even want to have..."

I try very hard to take into account That Dude's opinions when it comes to the wedding planning process. At the same time, I know that there are just some things that he's not going to care all that much about.

That Dude really just wants to have an intimate get together with our nearest and dearest. I on the other hand can't seem to get my guest list down to under 200 people. Despite our differing opinions on this, we've been able to slowly tread through this process without too many issues. All of that changed today when he found himself so frustrated that he said, "We shouldn't have to go through all of this for a wedding that I don't even want to have!" EXCUSE ME?! OK, now let me say that I know what he meant by that and that he immediately apologized because he knew how terrible that statement sounded, but the damage was pretty much done.

Do I doubt for even a second that he loves me dearly and wants to marry me? Nope. I know that it's not marriage that is bringing out this crankiness, but the actual WEDDING, and all of the planning that comes along with the wedding, but still and all, words hurt... and sometimes a lot. And today was one of those times.

We're going to a bridal expo tonight with my mother, grandmother and aunt and I'm beginning to wonder why I even invited him. Oh! I remember, because he's the GROOM! Ugh... I just have so much going on at work right now that arguing about the wedding is the LAST thing I want to be doing. I hope it turns around for the better, or at least that the night goes quickly.

Not Me Monday

Click here to visit MckMama for more Not Me fun!


Now, onto that which I DID NOT do recently...

I DIDN'T tell That Dude that I was fine with pushing back our wedding date because of our finances and then proceed to be a crab at our friend's birthday party because I really didn't want to change the date...

Furthermore, I DEFINITELY DID NOT freak out at a local bookstore yesterday because "...we have no money and NEED to push this wedding back!"

And then, it would've been JUST PLAIN CRAZY for me to have a sit down talk with him last night saying that there was no way I wanted to push this wedding back, and we'd just have to figure it out!

And, since I DIDN'T freak out at the bookstore, there was NO OPPORTUNITY for me to walk away from That Dude while he was trying to comfort me, especially since I promised that we'd work through everything together! I WOULD NEVER go back on my word!

And since I DIDN'T freak out, and therefore DIDN'T walk away from my concerned fiance, I also DIDN'T buy him an "I'm sorry" card at the pharmacy today (Shhh... I'd better get it to him before he reads this post!)

What things didn't you do this week?

Text works better than talk?

Need more proof that we are living in a technologically dependant society? That Dude and I tend to discuss most of the important topics via email extensively before we ever touch on them in person! Some people would say that this is a bad idea, but to them I say, "Mind your business!" (actually, I wouldn't say that even if people didn't approve.) But what I would say is that it works for us, so why fix what's not broken?

That Dude and I have been extremely lucky on that we were friends before dating and extremely honest straightforward friends at that, so there hasn't been much opportunity for a real argument, since we both already knew fairly well each others' triggers. But the important topics have come up nonetheless. We've discussed the implications of going from dating to being in a relationship, money, family issues, and how to deal with obviously different communication styles - all via email (and texts at times.) We always follow up by discussing over the phone or in person, but by that point, we generally have an idea about the others' feelings as well as specific questions to help us understand whatever hasn't already been made clear.

Our deep email conversations have another advantage: NO INTERRUPTIONS! How many couples can sit and discuss lots of different topics that they don't always agree on and very nicely go back and forth with their own opinions being heard and never be interrupted? If you are raising your hand, then your relationship deserves the big invisible award of pretendland! Let's all be honest with each other here (or at minimum with ourselves) it just isn't easy to have someone say that your opinions are incorrect and that theirs are, without at least the urge to jump in with an explanation of why your opinion is actually the correct one. Seriously people, they're your opinions for a reason!

Any-whoo, I wonder, as I get deeper into this serious relationship, what ways other couples facilitate communication?

Happy Birthday/End of April/Adult relationship

Today my "baby" sister (AKA my sissy) turns 20 years old! The fact that I can still remember the day that she came home from the hospital extremely clearly had me tearing up this morning. How far have we come sissy? How far will we go? I love you and pray for nothing less than the best for you, today and always.
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Today is the last day of April which means NaBloPoMo postings are done! How did I do? I actually wrote posts for every day! Many are patiently waiting in my drafts for spell check and signature, but over the next few days, they should all be published. Thanks for following along!

Cuz It Ain't Real Til It's On Facebook

That Dude and I are "officially" in a relationship, so if you've been wondering who he is and you're one of my FB friends, feel free to go check him out!