Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Plan vs. Action

I knew what had to be done. I prayed and God gave me peace of mind. I opened my mouth to say the words and what came out wasn't right. I was arguing. That wasn't in the plan. I tried again... Still wrong. Now we were fighting about the past and all the underlying issues. Why couldn't I just do it? I remembered the last time and screamed at myself (inside my head) that there was no way I'd hurt either of us that way again! It needed to be done and it had to be done quickly before I could screw it up any more than I already had. I opened my mouth once more and said, "Listen, I'll call you later." I hung up and cried. I prayed and cried and asked God for the words. This was Sunday night... Today is Wednesday and it's still not done. For those of you who haven't figured out what in the world I'm going on about, I'm planning to end things with T.

I've been praying about it for weeks and I really feel that it's what's best for both of us. At first I thought it was his daughter's mother. Then I made my Facebook and MySpace private and allowed only IMs from people on my buddylist and the drama stopped. With the exception of one email, I haven't heard from her in weeks. Then I brought back the issue that we never did anything together. I complained daily that he didn't care about us and he was too comfortable. But (while the issue was never resolved) that wasn't it either.

The major thing is our faith issue. I have a delicate faith issue that I'm dealing with on my own and he didn't help at all. I still attend my non-denominational church and I'm even involved in the children's ministry and even recently signed up to help with the media ministry. But lately, I've also been more active with the young adult ministry from my Catholic church. It's very delicate for me because I've always considered myself to be Roman Catholic, even when I stopped attending Sunday Mass and let go of the young adult ministry. This actually should've been a good thing for T because if he'd said he didn't agree with the teaching of the Protestant church, I'd have fully accepted and even participated with him at a Catholic church, in fact, for the first few months that we were together, I'd attend weekly Sunday mass with him at a local parish. But no matter what dream he attempted to feed me, the truth will always come out. At some point, I guess he got tired of pretending and he stopped going to church. It wasn't all at once, but it seemed that almost every week, there was some reason or another why I'd have to go to church alone. Eventually I stopped asking and he stopped providing excuses. For me, god is first in my life. I can't imagine getting married to and having children with someone with whom I can't fully share my love of the Lord, and I just don't feel that I'd have that with T.

About two months ago, I wanted to sit and have a conversation with my Pastor (at the non-denominational church) and then decided against it because I was nervous that he'd ask about my relationship! I knew he'd counsel me against continuing something that was bringing me down and I just didn't want to have to face the reality that he'd be right if he did. At this point, I began to realize how bad this was for me. I've learned that evil wants to remain hidden and that if it was a healthy relationship I shouldn't have had any issues with discussing it openly. I began to pray daily about what to do. I discussed it with a few of my closest friends and had mixed reactions. One said that I shouldn't end it if I had any doubts at all because I probably wouldn't get another chance. Another friend said that if I felt this was best for me and I felt that it was where God was leading me, then I should go ahead with ending it. And then about a week and a half ago, the smartest thing ever was said to me by "Kitty". I stood in her kitchen going back and forth with my thoughts and she said, "You need to go ahead and end it. You're unhappy and it's not fair to him if you already know in your heart that this isn't going anywhere. You're taking away from his chance to move on." And at that moment, I knew what needed to be done. I went home that night and prayed. I asked God to give me peace with my decision and I felt a physical difference in my body. It was like someone had just taken me into a giant comforting bear hug and I was finally able to relax.

Which brings us to my plan. I figured I should do it in person, but since I haven't seen him recently (a whole other story.) I finally decided to end things over the phone on Sunday after yet another argument about nothing and everything. Part two of the plan was to do it quickly and not be apologetic. Here we are days later and it's still in limbo. Another part of the plan as to stick to the facts and not bring up the past or any of the smaller issues. I'm currently batting zero guys. I know that it sounds stupid and unimportant in the face of the world's problems, but if you could pray for me to have the right words, I'd appreciate it immensely. Oh! And if you could pray for T to have peace in this, I'd appreciate that also!

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